So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
