Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
