Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
