i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize