tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
