Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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