There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
