oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
