Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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