Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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