I only kidnapped one of them. chill
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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