I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
