You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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