They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
smell my finger.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
