I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Success! We fucked roommates!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
