so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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