don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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