It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
