i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
