My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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