saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You left your phone here
Wait...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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