I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize