Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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