He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize