Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize