guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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