Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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