Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
