I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
