I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
