yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
