Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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