so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
