he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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