last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
