I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In other news, I just burned my penis
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
