someone get that fucking seahorse.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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