just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
