The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
