They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize