She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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