what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
