mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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