He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
