I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize