you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
