every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
