i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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