Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
