Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
