Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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