I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
