How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
