AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
