I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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