You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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