there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
