I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
