I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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