a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i will never coherently bang her
either way he was missing a nipple.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
