That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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