Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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