It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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