Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize