i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
