My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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